Mark Steel, comedian

A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "Doc, I've got a lettuce stuck up my arse". The doctor has a feel about and says: "I'm sorry sir, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Angus Fraser, cricket writer

There's an Irish contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? he doesn't know answer. Chris Tarrant says: "Don't forget you've got 50/50, ask the audience and phone a friend." The Irishman says: "I'll phone a friend, please Chris." He gets on the phone and says: "Hi Seamus, I just want to ask you, do you think I should do 50/50 or ask the audience?"

Sir James Galway, musician

The Pope comes in one day and says to his cardinals: "It seems the Jews have challenged us to golf." The cardinals protest that they're no good at golf, and say: "Why don't we ask Jack Nicklaus to become an honorary cardinal, then he can play for the Vatican?" So Jack Nicklaus goes out and plays the game, and comes back with his head in his hands. "What's wrong?" the Pope asked. "Well, it was OK at the start," said Nicklaus. "But did you ever hear of Rabbi Tiger Woods?"

Maggie O'Farrell, novelist

You look at a field of cows. How can you tell which is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

Keith Harris, comedian

An elephant robs a bank and the police ask the witness, "Would you recognise him again?" and the witness says: "No, he was wearing a stocking over his head."

Why wasn't Cinderella any good at football? She didn't have a coach.

Tony Hawkes, comedian

What's red and sits in the corner?

A naughty strawberry.

Ann Widdecombe, Conservative MP

Where do generals keep their armies? Up their sleevies.

Neil Warnock, football manager

A manager goes into the physio's room to visit a player with an injured knee. The manager says 'I can give you a cortisone injection'. The player replies 'It's alright boss, I've got a Sierra'.

Deborah Ross, journalist

A mother buys her son two ties for his birthday. Next time she sees him he's only wearing one of them, so she says to him "What, didn't you like the other one?"

Lembit Opik, Liberal Democrat MP

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped off the Eiffel Tower? He was classified in Seine.

Michael Fabricant, Conservative MP

Gordon Brown dies and he meets St Peter at the pearly gates. Mr Brown notices loads of clocks with different times on them on the wall behind him. "What are they for?" he asks, and St Peter explains: "Each clock is allocated to an individual, and represents how much they lie. For each lie, the clock moves forward one minute. Mother Teresa's clock is still at noon, because she never told a lie, and Abraham Lincoln's is at two minutes past, because he only lied as a child." "But where is Tony Blair's clock?" Mr Brown asks. "Oh," St Peter says. " Jesus is using that one as a ceiling fan."

Jo Brand, comedian

This 7ft bloke goes to his local swimming pool for a job as a lifeguard. First thing they ask him is: "Can you swim?" He eventually says: "I can't. But I can wade out pretty far."

Kathy Lette, novelist

How do you get rid ofcockroaches?Tell them you want along-term relationship

Baroness Jenny Tonge, Liberal Democrat Peer

A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says: "Free drink if you show me what's in the box. "OK" he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist. "Where did you get that?" says the barman. " I've got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish," says the man. "Let me have a go for another free drink." The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in. "I didn't ask for that!" screams the barman. "I wanted a 1,000 bucks!" "Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?"

Jilly Cooper, novelist

Two dogs and a cat go to a prom, and they enjoy it so much that they asked to go backstage. The doorman says: "You can't come back here, what do you know about music?" The first dog said: "I Bach," the second one said: "I Offenbach," and the cat said: "I'm Debussy."

Stephen Pound, Labour MP

What's the difference between a supermarket trolley and a politician? You can get more food and drink into a politician..

Roger McGough, poet

What are three fish beginning and ending with the letter 'K'?

Killer shark

Kwiksave boil-in-the-bag smoked haddock

Kilmarnock (which is a small plaice in Scotland)